I’m not a member of the Walton family but I play a cohabitator in real life.
We live with my husband’s parents.
It was a rough decision but I was the one pushed for it. It was my idea. With our businesses struggling we were sinking fast and I wanted a chance to breathe.
We moved in, cluttering and stretching out their pretty little house.
Do they have room for us, you ask?
No. Not even close. But they made room for us. Without batting an eye.
Closets were cleared, drawers were emptied and air mattresses were purchased. We overflowed our storage unit and brought boxes and boxes to their house to keep. The garage is a maze of our belongings.
We are lucky and we know it. We now can catch up and save some money, which is what I believed was the reason for us to stay with them.
I was wrong.
In the past 21 years of marriage, I have not been the favorite daughter-in-law. I was a crabby mama bear when my babies were born. I’ve said unkind things. I’ve maintained my distance due to my own issues. I could have tried harder.
Yet, on the second morning of our arrival, My mother-in-law said to me, “Karyn, I want you to feel comfortable here and treat this as your own house”
I. Am. Home.
This is huge for so many reasons.
So many things have happened in the few months we’ve lived here. I can think clearly for the first time in 2 years and concentrate on the tasks I’d like to accomplish. I can chase my boys around without the panic of utilities being shut off. I can be an encouraging wife.
I can focus.
Funny though, the most important and most surprising thing that’s happened is that I’ve gotten to know my husband’s parents as people.
As Irish immigrants they not only have accents and don’t communicate like I do……… they use different words to express themselves. Words I’ve misunderstood all these years. Cliche’s fly around the house as part of normal conversation because that’s how they talk. Talk I mistook for being insincere and flippant.
I get it now. I understand them and I’ve come to love them. Something I never would have imagined possible.
Seeing them everyday and being submerged in their culture has taught me that they are such funny, wonderful people with huge hearts for their grandchildren. I have learned to speak their language………. .And hopefully, they’ve learned to understand mine.
I’ve known them for 26 years and we’ve just now finally gotten to know each other.
In light of our misfortune, I feel so profoundly blessed.
What a wonderful gift. This is what I now believe to be the real purpose of our cohabitation…………and it’s frickin comedy around here…………so stay tuned.
40 Comments, Comment or Ping
It’s not an easy thing to do, and I know firsthand. In fact, it usually sucks. I’m glad you were able to make the best of your situation and find common ground with your new (unplanned) roommates.
January 31st, 2012
Is this the post you’re planning to link to yeah write? I like it very much. Especially how you were able to see your faults and not put it all on your in-laws. And the relief of the electricity staying on? I feel you on that one.
January 31st, 2012
Wow. Me, my wife and 3 kids had to move in with my wife’s parents almost 5 years ago. Sold our house, cars and much of our belongings. It has been a nightmare. Finding and then holding down a job has been difficult – saving money has been impossible.
I wish you luck.
February 1st, 2012
Thanks for reading. So far it hasn’t been a negative experience. I’m thankful, nonetheless, for their hospitality.
February 1st, 2012
Thanks Jay. So far it’s been pretty good. My husband’s parents are beyond accommodating. My main concern is keeping our boys contained so they don’t still out all over the place!
February 1st, 2012
When I first started reading I was thinking in my head that I would never be able to do this. You are so brave. I do not get along with my mother in law. But by the end you had me thinking. If I lived with my MIL, would we be able to get over our differences? It’s very interesting to think about, thank you!
February 1st, 2012
Hey kiddo! We miss you on Twitter! For the totallies!
Come by and say “Hi!” sometime.
February 1st, 2012
Ah, the halo and horns effect !
First and ongoing tainted impressions stick with you, but now you can see the good in them. !
also, I couldn’t have done it. Need my own space.
February 1st, 2012
What an amazing experience to come out of your situation! I will be staying tuned for the “comedy”.
I can only imagine what good stories can come from living with in-laws.
February 1st, 2012
What a beautiful honest post. How awesome for you to get the opportunity to breathe, catch up and get to better know the people who raised the man you love.
Awesome.
February 1st, 2012
Just do the best you can. If you can avoid big blowouts, more power to ya!
February 1st, 2012
My sister and her husband moved in with my parents for a year or so. It happens.
How wonderful that you have a better sense of who your in-laws are. Good stuff.
February 1st, 2012
Lord knows I don’t have a good relationship with my inlaws. They are of Polish decent and my mother-in-law doesn’t really speak English but my father-in-law does. We’ve always clashed because of communication problems, misunderstandings and vastly different ideas of personal space and boundaries. You’ve given me some food for thought with your post. I wish you the best and am given some hope that things can get better. Thank you.
February 1st, 2012
Thanks so much for reading. The culture differences really came into play as a young married couple and I was way too quick to judge. I’m so happy to have the chance to see who they really are. And in spite of himself, my father-in-law likes me, knows I can cook, and sees that I’m not lazy
February 1st, 2012
Thank you!
February 1st, 2012
I am the ultimate people-pleaser to a fault. My main objective in life is to avoid conflict, ha ha!
February 1st, 2012
Thank you, I was slightly alarmed to find that my husband is just like his dad and he’s #3 boy in the fam. Yikes!
February 1st, 2012
Oh, there’s tons of comedy here! That post was the only serious one
February 1st, 2012
Who doesn’t need their own space? I didn’t think I could do it but here we are and it’s going well so far.
February 1st, 2012
Aw, thanks.
February 1st, 2012
My goal in life is to make (although you can’t make anyone do anything) people think. Believe me, it has taken me a while to become humbled enough to really take a hard look at myself. Thanks for reading.
February 1st, 2012
So far so good. I think it’s easier for me, as the woman to live in my husband’s parent’s house than the other way around. I know he doesn’t love it but he’s hanging in there.
February 1st, 2012
Very often the rough decisions end up being the right ones. So awesome for you to have the opportunity to not only ‘take the edge off’ but to also get to develop a good and understanding relationship with your in-laws. Here’s hoping it keeps on this functioning and pleasant trajectory
p.s. I watch The Waltons almost every night. We have the complete (totally complete) set on DVD. I’m obsessed. But you know, it ain’t a bed of roses for them either …Grandma’s kind of a bitch
February 1st, 2012
Thanks for the encouragement! Glad so.done appreciated my reference to The Waltons!
February 1st, 2012
I just love that you’ve turned a negative into a positive. And it’s why you’ll get my vote!
February 1st, 2012
Thanks Jen!
February 1st, 2012
I’m so happy that such a wonderful thing has come out of what I’m sure is a stressful situation for all involved. What a gift- to be able to see this new side of your inlaws! Beautifully written.
February 2nd, 2012
Gosh you’re lucky… My in-laws moved in with me a week after Hurricane Katrina wiped their town off the map. With a grocery bag holding what they had left. They stayed a year and a week. We were ALL miserable. My mother-in-law is NOT warm and fuzzy and very judgmental. I did my best to make her feel at home, but I felt lost in my own home. I was the one who was homeless. My poor father-in-law just tried to keep the peace.
But we survived. God bless you. And them.
February 2nd, 2012
Family is all about coming together and learning to understand each other’s love languages. I’m so glad, for you and them, that you have managed to do that! Life is so much richer with family.
February 2nd, 2012
Thanks for reading. I agree; it’s a gift!
February 2nd, 2012
Maybe because I’m in their house it makes it easier for me. That and a ton of humility. Thanks for reading
February 2nd, 2012
Funny how communication styles can get in the way of a good relationship. I’m thankful my eyes are wide open to see the blessing. I think they’ve really gotten to know me through seeing me everyday as well. Thank you for the feedback.
February 2nd, 2012
Love how the world shifts when you’re immersed in a different angle of it. Excellent post….very honest, heartfelt and thought-provoking!
February 2nd, 2012
Thanks for the kind words. It was my hope that people would see my point and think.
February 2nd, 2012
While the thought of moving in with either my parents or my mother in law scares the bejesus out of me, I can imagine that it would give a new appreciation for them. I’m so glad you were able to discover your husband’s family and in turn a new home for your own family too.
February 2nd, 2012
There are so many wonderful points in here to capture. How one step leads to another. Such a big step to make the decision to move in but what a lovely gift in gaining a relationship with your in-laws that you would have likely not had. To be able to see one another as people in the relationships we are in day to day can work wonders. Beautiful post.
February 2nd, 2012
It took a very long time for me to truly grasp the idea that we’d all be living together. I cant tell you how surprised I’ve been at how harmonious it is there.
Thanks for reading.
February 2nd, 2012
Oh my gosh thank you so much for the kind words! I hoped that my point came across clearly.
February 2nd, 2012
Karyn your blog is awesome and such as tribute to Sean and Kate. You are a wonderful mother and wife and that will never change no matter where you live. A house is just walls, what matters is what is in your heart and yours is in the right place. So proud of you!
February 4th, 2012
Hi Karyn!
It was so nice to meet you at the salon yesterday! I am impressed with the blog support you have. Why are you NOT writing girl?
I also wanted to tell you how much I admire your fortitude. It takes a lot to let go of our possessions and move in with family. Especially with your children. Now that’s a housefull. I am also taken back by your out-laws, who have now become your in-laws. I come from an Irish background, although not 1st generation Irish. The Irish are a warm and friendly lot and we like doing good deeds for others.
My husband and I too hit a financial bottom over the last couple of years. But we didn’t have in-laws to help us. We short sold our home and walked away. It’s been a tough road and to top it all off, after moving back to SoCal, my husband was in a bad auto accident last year and well, it’s been really hard. So I sympathize with your predicament.
Thanks for following me on Twitter! You are welcome to come visit me at my website, http://www.karenmcfarland.com . A lot of writers found my post this week to be inspiring, so I hope it too will inspire you! Also, next week I will have a guest author posting about her writing experience. She is self-published and is giving away books. So you never know. You may have something new to read for free. And as we know, free works! LOL!
Take care and hang in there. Keep in touch and if anything, I’ll probably see you in six weeks when I’m in for another hair cut with Martin! But hopefully we’ll talk sooner! Don’t be shy, just drop on by! See ya!
Karen McFarland
June 14th, 2012
Reply to “‘Night Grandpa, ‘night Elizabeth, ‘night John-boy.”