Oh sh*t. I killed her.

The day started like any other day.

Checked my Twitter feed, looked at Facebook, took my happy pill and went to work .

I’m a hairdresser.

On Thursdays I have two standing shampoo/ blow dry appointments; the first of which is my teeny tiny little Mrs. B.

She’s a million years old, chooses not wear her hearing aids when she comes to see me and shuffles when she walks.


Like baby step shuffles.


I have an entire hour to do what would truthfully about 25 mins but, because her size is such a challenge I allow more time.

She is the size of a small child……….. minature……..next to her I look like an effing amazon………and I’m only 5’3 1/2.


In order to wash her hair, I need 10 towels to boost her up and plastic protective gear just to keep from completely baptizing her every week. She’d be soaked to her waist without all the preparations.


On this particular day, It was eleven-thirty and she hadn’t shown up yet. I worry when she does this……… thinking something’s happened to her…………….. She’s OLD, people! All kinds of things could happen!


I didn’t realize she’d called the front desk telling our receptionist that she had an appointment with me at one o’clock.

She has an appointment at eleven o’clock. Every effing week. It does not change.


“Actually Mrs B”‘. …the receptionist knows her voice…..”your appointment is at eleven o’clock. Which is right now.”

” Oh. I don’t think I’m gonna make it but, I’m not sure.”

“Well, should I reschedule your time?”

“I’m noooooot sure. I’ll call you back…”

I went up to the front desk and the receptionist says to me, “She may or may not come.”


 Um, ookaaaay. I had her booked for color and she was already sporting some gigantic roots on her itty bitty head. This would also mean she wouldn’t be getting her hair washed if she didn’t show up.


For the record, little old ladies don’t get dirty; they get dusty…………………not even kidding.


Within 30 minutes after the call she’d made, Mrs. B shows up in the lobby of the salon. I go up to greet her and she tells me she’s so happy I could still take her……….. knowing how late she is.

She keeps stopping while she’s talking.


I’m trying my best to rush her little body to my chair as I remind her that she’s having color.

I race into the dispensary to mix her color as fast as I can and I begin applying while she tells me about the antics of her fat little toosie roll of a dog…..…...which is apparently, is why she’s late.

I guess the damn dog wouldn’t go out and do her business because it had been raining and it didn’t want to get its paws wet.


Dude. Really? I guess when you’re 90 this is a huge crisis.



I leave her to sit while her color developes, but this is a tricky situation. She falls asleep if she has to sit any length of time.

Actually she falls asleep while I blow dry her hair. Every friggin’ week.

I don’t know why I’m surprised by this. She literally CANNOT hear, so it’s not like the blowdryer is loud or anything.


The time comes to wash her hair and I’m watching the clock because I have 15 mins to wash out her color and blow her dry. This is gonna run me late, but if I’m lucky I’ll only be about 10 minutes behind.

Hair is washed, I get her settled in my chair and she proceeds to fall asleep almost immediately.



Deep breath, I can do this. Just nudge her head a little and she’ll wake up.



I’m trying to hurry and she’s OUT Freaking COLD…….I mean like so soundly asleep that her head is hanging.




I put my blowdryer down and pick up her head putting both hands on either side. And she’s up.


For about 30 seconds.


Then, thwap……..head’s down again. At this point I’m a little concerned about whiplash.


I pick up her little noggin and try to work as fast as possible so I can get her out of my chair. No sooner do I do this that her head flops to the side and I’m getting totally frustrated and sweating profusely. I have to put my dryer down every single time I pick up her head.

She’s down.



This time I can’t get her to keep her head up at all and I feel panic run through me like and electrical shock.


 Oh. My. Gawd!!!!!!! 


 SHE”S DEAD!!!!!!!

Oh wait, don’t panic I think I see her breathing.

 Okay. Okay. Everything’s okay……


Now I’ve got one hand on her forehead propping her up and the blow dryer in the other because I HAVE TO FINISH!!!  My next client is due in 5 minutes!

I  look around and almost start laughing out of sheer frustration. Everyone in the salon is concentrating on their own work.



Which is good, I guess. I mean, that’s what you want as a client, right?



Not one single solitary soul sees what is going on in my chair. And all I can think is…..



I‘m in HELLLLLL!!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! Or at the very least, look up and commiserate!






My hand to her forehead must have perked her up a little because I have just enough time to bump the ends of her tiny bob  hairdo with my curling iron. Without burning her.



Yes folks, I’m a pro.



I apply some pomade, quickly spray her, rip off my styling cape……..and she wakes up.

“Oh, are you done? Already? That was soooooo relaxing.”


No sh*t.


She emits a little giggle and stands up to go change back into her sweater.



Today, I notice she tips me a little more then usual.  I tell her I’ll see her next week and off she shuffles out of the salon.

I figuratively pick myself up off the floor from the stress of it all and hope she comes in better rested next week.




Side note: This is not an exagerated story. It really honest to God happened; which makes it even more funny.

My husband almost peed when I told about it…..


BUT  truly, all kidding aside…..this little lady is so very kind and downright cute in her tinyness. It’s a priviledge to do her hair every week as I’m pretty sure she’s not long for this world.



She still drives her own car.






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