August 1st, 2012
As we approach the anniversary of my husband’s v-a-s-e-c-t-o-m-y I can honestly say it was one of the best days of my life.
You know….the whole no need for birth control thing…. um, lowered emissions …gross…..and the feeling that one could sit back, family established, relax and watch your precious little offspring grow up.
Are you freaking kidding me? After being poked, prodded and felt up by more doctors than I can remember, it was finally time for him to have his turn at “looky see”……….it was a monumental day for me.
How many times have you heard of women getting ready to puuuushhhh! begging for a nurse, doctor anyone passing by, to “check” her and give the okay to heave ho? We all have stories like that..numb to the waist.. your nether parts hanging out in front of God and everybody..and because of the epidural you don’t know what’s covered up and what isn’t.
But, this isn’t my story..it’s his….. and it went like this……….
My husband’s urologist looked just like David Letterman. I sh*t you not. It was freaking hysterical, especially because we didn’t meet him until the day of the procedure so we had to hide the look of surprise on our faces.
Our dear Dr. Letterman…kidding….. had a nurse named Savannah that handled all of the pre-op business prior to the big day. I must have spoken on the phone with her at least five times, so of course, we were fast friends. She had a fabulous sense of humor..I’d guess you’d have to if your work entailed discussing penises all day. ….And her job was to give me the list of particulars that he’d need for his recovery.
I was instructed to purchase a very large….Well, in Hubby’s case, anyway. God, he’s gonna kill me when he reads this…or maybe he’ll be proud of himself, I don’t know…..athletic supporter. Hell, the guy doesn’t even wear underwear….sorry Babe……so, to imagine him in a jock strap gave me a fit of giggles. Like I said…IT WAS HIS TURN!
Savannah explained to me on the phone that of course there’d be lots of swelling, duh! and the best “ice pack” as it were? Frozen peas. Two bags please, so you can switch them out.
The last piece of information she gave us was that Hubby needed to shave his undercarriage REALLY well.
Okay, no prob, got him a nice fresh razor and told him to go to town the night before. The next morning I checked out his handiwork and touched up the areas he couldn’t see and missed. With jock strap in hand, peas in the freezer, and clean shaven cajones, we were ready to go….
I had been told by Savannah, my new bestie at the pee-pee doc’s office, that there would be a good chance I was gonna get to watch.
Pay dirt! I was sooooo excited.
Okay, I’m not a total B. I wasn’t excited because I thought it’d be painful, I was excited because I couldn’t fathom how, exactly, this tricky little procedure was done. Obviously I don’t get grossed out super easily…well, except when I’m talking about emissions…..yuck
I was a little over enthusiastic on the drive to the office; he, in turn, was mildly irritated.
When we arrived we only waited in the waiting room for maybe ten minutes..during which time my husband became more and more nervous. I tried to be sympathetic……Oh buck up, Dude!
Savannah turned out to be a very pretty girl …which of course I already knew because she sounded really pretty on the phone…. also super charming and friendly. Just like I knew she’d be.
Sweetheart’s name is called and Savannah shows us to the small operatory where he would be losing his manhood..KIDDING….hands him a paper gown, tells him to disrobe and walks out of the room. Well, let me tell you, what happened next was right out of a movie.
Savannah Prettygirl not only ran the front office, she was also the doctor’s assistant! After Sugar was on the table she came back in tells him to switch the gown around so the split is in the front, has him lay back and positions his feet. As she’s nonchalantly talking to me she grabs his wee wee pulls it up and tapes it to his belly thereby prompting me to ask whether he was sufficiently shaven. Hubby by now is trying to maintain because she and I were snickering. He couldn’t see a thing from his vantage point, but, uh, we could see it ALL. She proclaimed us a great shave team and went to get the doctor.
When she walked out of the room I giggled and snorted, then said, “Well, bet you weren’t expecting that…..”
I was holding my breath as I still wasn’t sure Dr.Letterman..seriously can’t remember the guys name… …was gonna let me stay, but he walked in noted that my man was in position and shook my hand. Savannah was in charge of the cleaning the area prepping it for the local anesthesia. As Doctor was administering the series of shots he had a vice grip on Hubby’s scrotum.
From what I could gather, Sweetheart seemed okay, and the doctor looked at me and said, “Okay, Mrs. Gallagher, my hands are going to be very busy for the next fifteen or twenty minutes. If you feel faint I can’t catch you because if I let go go of your husband’s balls he’ll bleed to death.”
“Um, heellllooo, if I pass out it’s my own damn fault, and if I do I’ll make sure I fall away from the patient.”
The cool part of this whole thing was how the doctor made sure I could see what he was doing and how…… even answering my questions as they arose..no pun intended…….. Poor Honeybunch couldn’t see sh*t and was remarking the whole time that he was really glad he could provide the entertainment…….yeah, yeah, shut up…you’ve seen my perinium stretched and snipped to make way for your children. This was the least he could do…..
Sweetie Pie came through with flying colors……… recovered nicely after dodging the knees of our then three year old, and mowing the lawn a few days too early.
I’m also happy to report that the operation was a success although he never did go get rechecked to make sure he was shooting blanks. However, if necessary, I could redo the procedure since I know how it’s done. I saw it all…..it’s only a small incision and a couple of snips…